I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
