did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
