I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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