I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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