You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
