stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
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If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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