taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
