Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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