sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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