I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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