never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
