I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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