Got a toothbrush?
But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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