I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
