I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
