He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
