she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
