i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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