i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
