dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
