i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
