I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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