Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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