we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
