I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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