I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
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Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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