Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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