I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
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Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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