Someone shit on the floor
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
