Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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