Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
