life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
