Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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