I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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