I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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