Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
