she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
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If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
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I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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