I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it glows. i had to have it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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