My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
sex in a hospital.. check
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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