I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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