im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina just recognized that song.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize