Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
