please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
