There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
