Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
