Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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