it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
