You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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