I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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