2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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