Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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