Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
