You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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