Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
