I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
