I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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