did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
