they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
