We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
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