Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
