Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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