So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
