She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
