tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
