So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
