Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
