yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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