I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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