I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
